*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
saving face 👀
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.