“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed