“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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*pronounces fake like saké*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Mornin
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no