Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
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mood
This is my bus stop.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Boom, boom, ching!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.