Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Tastes like chicken.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.