Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.