@BadLuck_Brian: Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian
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@MommaUnfiltered: My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it's going to get our kids into Harvard.
@DistractedMomma: Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are. - Me, to myself, when I'm fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.
@Curt__Burt: Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I'm just sad to hear about him
@nbadag: WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk ME: [from cardboard box] i'm sorry come out of where? WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft