SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
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4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Meat Cute
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”