@BadLuck_Brian: Mom hires magician for birthday party, Voldemort #badluckbrian
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@BrassBallsCJ: Friend: I'm just not sure if she's into me. Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I'd say that's a hard no.
@jake_lach: When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
@writerPT: Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night? Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.