sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.