MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
You Might Also Like
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look