Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
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Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Good advice.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions