It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday