Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
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If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Damn he played himself
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.