Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
My work here is don’t.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister