Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later