“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Cake safety first. Always.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.