Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
mathematically impossible
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Where is your GOD now????
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.