Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
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Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
the short answer to this question
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol