Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.