@rolldiggity: Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

@LolaFaglana: I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say "Mommy steals credit cards" when they're in a checkout line.

@Cheeseboy22: My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn't something she wanted for Valentine's Day.

@AnnoyedWasp: put a wig on the dog and frightened the crap out of the postman.

@ScreaminMomX2: Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.