Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
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The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.