“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
just left a huge legacy in there
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Perfection.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?