@robwhisman: if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them

@AlbertBrooks: I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

@GrowlyGrego: Dear Abby, My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words "In Him" Help! Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

@peteholmes: "Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!" - birth of an expression

@KeetPotato: me: "leave the door ajar on your way out" jam salesman: [visibly confused]