Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.