mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience