Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
monday
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING