@jenlaw_11: Mom I'm running away! No I don't need a jacket! Mom no I'm fine I don't need a jac- mom! No I don't need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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@trumpetcake: Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor's sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
@Tommytoughstuff: [Olympic Swimming] CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they're kicking it.
@BoogTweets: Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu… Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?
@slimmy_shady: Hey Pringles, It's time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn't exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!