@bazecraze: Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.
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@freypalm: Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
@HatfieldAnne: [on neighbor's porch] I am here to purchase the dog you neglect. Either you take this money now or I will use it myself to post bail later.
@Parkerlawyer: My husband calls me Sugar and my dog's name is Sugar so when he says, "C'mere Sugar" there's an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
@Mostly_Cheese: Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?