If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?