@bazecraze: Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.
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@KrazykurtKurt: When #EgyptAir announced "he's not a terrorist, just an idiot" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
@JMNuch23: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler
@GrrrRach: Operator: 999, emergency services. Which service do you require? Me: Oh! Don't mind me, I was just cleaning cake off the touch screen.
@ThisOneSayz: Maid of Honor speeches shouldn't end with, "I'll see you all at her next one." I know that now.