@bazecraze: Mom is coming to town. I get three full days of mouthing apologies to waiters.
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@lecalabara: Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
@david8hughes: [sees ghost in my room] Ghost: don't be scared Me: I'm not Ghost [points to wet patch]: you're a little scared Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
@VodkaShorebird: GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.
@WheelTod: Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.