MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
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The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.