MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
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I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
😂😂
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do