[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
You Might Also Like
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!