@AaronFullerton: "Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!"
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@sickipediabot: Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night. Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.
@ch000ch: i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
@Bexdora: Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.
@snowmedia: My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks "are you OK?"