INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I gave up going to work for lent.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired