I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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accurate
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.