Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
every. time.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.