*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off