Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
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Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company