mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Oh hi lol
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.