Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.