Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
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I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Death certificates are our last participation award.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.