MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Pringles
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
crying
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.