MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
I finally found a reason to live again.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.