Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.