*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Stop sending me this shit.
ibopfufen
my lower back watching me try to live my life
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going