*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
how to market bottled water to dads
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day