MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
The French cow says MEUX…
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?