@ElgatoEsmio: Mom said angels are watching over me I'm just afraid they're taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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@Underchilde: I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
@caperbc75: I feel bad for that caveman who invented the wheel because you know his mother-in-law was all "She shoulda married Grog. He invented fire"
@AndyAsAdjective: BOSS: I need to see you in my office ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright