Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.