Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.