@runninforwine: Mom said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So I became sarcastic.
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@peachesanscream: Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
@ArfMeasures: [being chased round my house by a murderer] ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS MURDERER: What? ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
@julie2288: 90% of parenting is giving up the last fried cheese stick to your kid and pretending you're OK with it.
@yonewt: To print a document from your laptop: 1. Select document 2. Click "Print" 3. Walk over to printer to see what the damn problem is this time