Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years