Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
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3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Monica just destroyed the internet
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters