Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
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Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.