*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band