Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
You Might Also Like
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
The symmetry is uncanny.
cats when you pet them too long:
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?