Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.