Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.